Farting and relationships[views:24624][posts:88]___________________________________________ [Jan 2,2009 2:41pm - Micro Machine Man ""] this fat twat couldn't be more right bennyhillifier |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 2,2009 3:00pm - The-Rooster ""] If I just started dating someone, I try to wait a couple months before letting one go in front of a lady. Now... I've been with the same girl for 5 years, so I fart whenever I need to (abnormally frequent, if you ask me). She just laughs. That's how I know she's a keeper. |
| ___________________________________________ [Jan 2,2009 3:24pm - not of this earth ""] it has been my experience....the way to a womans heart is to pinch their nose in your ass crack while their sleeping and rip a budlight/taco bell induced beer fart until she wakes........worked for me......you buy that right? |
| _____________________________ [Jan 2,2009 3:25pm - Yeti ""] my ex used to dutch oven me all the time. |
| __________________________________ [Jan 2,2009 5:34pm - o rly??? ""] pics or it didn't happen |
| _________________________________________ [Jan 2,2009 10:52pm - Conservationist ""] http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/01/01/lw.burp.dating/index.html |
| ______________________________________ [Jan 3,2009 1:01am - boblovesmusic ""] Now the question isn't when to break the farting barrier, but when to break the "use the bathroom together" barrier? |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 21,2009 11:15pm - under-tec ""] [img] http://www.under-tec.com Testimonials I am a 60 year old, married professional woman having raised 3 sons. For the past 32 years of my life, I've suffered with Crohns Disease, and Inflamatory Bowel Syndrome which causes symptoms of diarrhea and excesssive foul smelling gas. The embarrassment and consequent social anxiety would many times actually increase these symptoms. I am a clinical psychologist in private practice and it has been tremendously embarrassing when I pass gas while working; often with little or no control. The most embarrassing moment of my working career was when a client said,"It smells like sewage in here!" My professionalism melted when I admitted to the client that my gas was the cause of the smell. My devoted husband of 30 years had also struggled with sleeping in the same bed with me, and it would sometimes interfere with our intimacy. My children could laugh at it, but would leave the room. I noticed an increase in my symptoms when I was embarrassed about the foul smelling gas. On one Thanksgiving night, as my husband and I were lying in bed after a wonderful dinner, the foul smell became unbearable for both of us. My husband ruminated, thinking,"I can't divorce my wife over this, but I have to do something." At that moment, he began to develop the idea of a pair of air-tight underwear with a filter that would eliminate the foul smell. For the next few months he researched filter materials and made a prototype of the underwear. For the past 5 years, I have worn these underwear when I've had an acute Crohns attack with complete security. There has been no trace of bad gas odors. My social anxiety and embarrassment has been eliminated. In fact, I noticed I pass less gas when I wear the underwear, because I am calm, secure, and comfortable. 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"My 12 year old son has been using his UNDER-EASE for about a week now, and we are quite pleased. They look like regular boxers and do not draw obvious attention when changing for gym. He is currently being tested for Crohn's . His UNDER-EASE has given him a 100% confidence to return to school after weeks of absence. You have quite a task ahead getting your message out." Bruce E. "You're a star. I think you may be on to something here in London. I have a feeling this may be the start of something great!" Mutuma M. "I've become one of your good customers. I also tell friends in Florida about you. Keep up the good work! My life is so much better. I can go out without being shamed." Juanita B. "Thank you. You've changed my life! I've had Irritable Bowel Syndrome for 40 years. I love them." Nora N. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You saved my life! I can now go to school without worry. I' so happy you did this!" Dusky T. "UNDER-EASE is just like wearing regular panties. They work great, and I am recommending them to friends." Carol B., July 24, 2002. "I am 71 years old with Crohn's Disease and have received radiation therapy for cervical cancer. I am so please with your underwear because they give me the social confidence I need. (My Gastroenterologist said I should be a spokeswoman for your company.) Janet W., July 22, 2002. "I am very please that your UNDER-EASE had made the trick. You really made my life more pleasant and easy to live (with). Thank you." July 25, 2002. "I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome and UNDER-EASE is an answer to my prayers. Nothing else helped - no pills, medication, nothing." Betty C., September 27, 2002 "I am over 65 years old and take medication (Lipetur) for my cholesterol, and the medication causes offensive gas. UNDER-EASE helps when I go on an airplane and makes me more comfortable in social situations." Dolores B., September 30, 2002. "I am a circus performer and for years I have been embarrassed to pass gas on stage. People in the audience sometime thinks its part of the act but it isn't. Because of your wonderful product today my audience laughs at my gags and not my gas." P. Maher, October 7, 2002 "I tried the cushion and others products, but it didn't help. These panties REALLY work!", Sharyn F., October 2002 "Please rush that product out hear! Thanks to your husband for his ingenuity. Blessings & bright skies." Kevin, November, 2002 "I bought them for my husband, and he wouldn't wear them at first. Eventually he did, and now he loves them! Thank you so much for inventing them." Carolyn C., December 2002 |
| ___________________________________ [Feb 18,2009 7:44am - Dusky T. ""] [img] |
| _________________________________________________ [Jan 12,2010 3:41pm - thetruthaboutmuffdivers ""] ouchdrummer said:I did. And not because i was real comfortable with her or anything, it was because we had to run to catch a train and on the last step onto the train it just came out. Long, loud, and smelly. Unfortunately it was about 5 minutes before we could get off the train and just about everyone on the train heard me do it, and did not enjoy it. Picturing the scowls of disapproval on the faces of your girl and the other train riders absolutely makes this story. |
| _________________________________________ [Nov 11,2010 3:32pm - mister methane ""] not%20of%20this%20earth said:it has been my experience....the way to a womans heart is to pinch their nose in your ass crack while their sleeping and rip a budlight/taco bell induced beer fart until she wakes. Truth. |
| _______________________________________ [Nov 11,2010 4:21pm - randy's marsh ""] fart all over em. |
| ______________________________________ [Nov 11,2010 5:44pm - the_reverend ""] I think the nose picking issue is the better question |
| ___________________________________ [Nov 11,2010 7:39pm - Lamp nli ""] The true test in a relationship is buying tampons for a lady. Let's just say I definitely went through the self-checkout line that night. |
| ____________________________________ [Nov 11,2010 10:31pm - amorok666 ""] I fart way too often to bother hiding it or care. |
| ______________________________________ [Nov 12,2010 9:08am - SkinSandwich ""] Lamp%20nli said:The true test in a relationship is buying tampons for a lady. Let's just say I definitely went through the self-checkout line that night. Why this would bother any dude is beyond me. If the cashier thinks they are for me they are extremely retarded. |
| ___________________________________ [Nov 12,2010 10:17am - posbleak ""] SkinSandwich said:Why this would bother any dude is beyond me. If the cashier thinks they are for me they are extremely retarded. You could be plugging a nosebleed or a bullet hole for all they know., My boyfriend vomited on the first date (still haven't figured out if it was me or the movie theater hot dogs) so the fart barrier was shattered shortly after. Better out than in. |
| _______________________________________ [Dec 10,2010 7:48am - MetalThursday ""] Bump for Yeti |
| ________________________________________ [Dec 10,2010 12:26pm - punk potenza ""] the_reverend said:there is nothing worse than dog farts. nothing funny about them AT ALL no shit my boston terrier/chiuwauwa's ass is fuckin brutal not fun. smells like burnt latex sometimes.:nuke: |
| __________________________________________ [Jul 12,2011 1:03pm - boblovesfarting ""] boblovesmusic said:Now the question isn't when to break the farting barrier, but when to break the "use the bathroom together" barrier? both broken! |
| ______________________________ [Jul 12,2011 1:04pm - Yeti ""] MetalThursday said:Bump for Yeti i have no idea why this was bumped for me in 2010, but sweet nonetheless. the gas flows like wine. |
| _______________________________________ [Jul 12,2011 2:09pm - aaron_michael ""] aril said:first night I met. farted ON her. Kinda the same for me. I told her I had a secret and then turned around and ran at her. Fair game though since she burps in my face. Bitch. |
| _______________________________________ [Jul 12,2011 2:23pm - MetalThursday ""] Yeti said: MetalThursday said:Bump for Yeti i have no idea why this was bumped for me in 2010, but sweet nonetheless. the gas flows like wine. Hahaha... I think we were talking about a phantom farter at MT the night before and I brought up Jim's hilarious train catching story from this thread & told you I'd bump it to remind you. |
| ____________________________________ [Jul 12,2011 2:38pm - Alx_Casket ""] only doing a 180 during sex and farting up her vag is alx'ing the situation. |
| ______________________________ [Jul 12,2011 3:20pm - Yeti ""] MetalThursday said: Yeti said: MetalThursday said:Bump for Yeti i have no idea why this was bumped for me in 2010, but sweet nonetheless. the gas flows like wine. Hahaha... I think we were talking about a phantom farter at MT the night before and I brought up Jim's hilarious train catching story from this thread & told you I'd bump it to remind you. hahahaha i see, that was definitely a worthy bump. |
| _______________________________________ [Jul 12,2011 10:39pm - autofellatio ""] definitely me. i farted at dinner with her parents the first time i met them too. |
| __________________________________________ [Mar 6,2012 3:27pm - farting gannoosh ""] bump |
| _____________________________ [Mar 6,2012 3:34pm - Yeti ""] didn't the phantom MT farter turn out to be Samantha? or Hilarie? |
| ______________________________________ [Mar 6,2012 8:13pm - MetalThursday ""] It was probably Sam. Her brand is comparable to a musty, moldy basement. I can easily bust her now. As far as I know I've yet to be bombed by Hillarie, but I don't go in that back corner just in case. |
| _________________________________ [Mar 8,2012 8:50pm - Samantha ""] Damn it, Chris! You're not supposed to tell everyone about my secret biological warfare project. |
| ________________________________________ [Mar 20,2012 12:53pm - angel dusted ""] dreadkill said:hahahaa, i was just talking about this the other day. i broke the farting barrier after a long time. i used ot wait until she had to leave the room, then i would fart. or i would wait until i had ot use the bathroom and then i would fart. one day i was so sick of it and the gas really needed an exit, so i farted. now i fart in front of her all the time. lucky for her, most of my farts don't really smell. unfortunately for her, the gas i had on saturday night smelled pretty bad. my room smelled like roasted farts. roasted farts? how exactly does one roast a fart? what makes it smell different than an unroasted fart? |
| ________________________________________ [Apr 11,2012 3:14pm - chester fried ""] don't they sell roasted farts at kelly's roast beef? |
| ________________________________________ [Apr 11,2012 4:31pm - trioxin245nli ""] AfterWorldObliteration said:i broke the barrier when we were making out on the ground. then i got my dick sucked by a 14 year old. apparently my chicka's bro does it all the time so it was dank. [img] |
| _______________________________________ [May 7,2012 3:44pm - ancient_master ""] Original sin explained. The first fart. Before Noah entered The Ark. Noah and his family were a bit cramped in The Ark. The worst thing about being on Noah's Ark was the prohibition on farting. And the penalty for farting on Noah's Ark is??? Hear the author reading the story on You Tube. Elephants are good. The perils of flatulence. Adam and Eve. He started the problems. Noah's Ark. Hell if you dont like your companions. There are times and places for every activity. An action, that might be considered natural and appropriate in the middle of a field, is totally unacceptable when engaged in under the bedclothes, when one is in company with a totally demure wife. It is considered to be inexplicable when the totally demure wife is engaging in the socially tabooed activity herself. But that is all bye the way, and not related to the story I am about to tell. The activity that this spellbinding tale is spun round is the expulsion of gas from the rear end exit from the body. This exhalation of methane is known as farting. It has been a constant biological provocation to the frictions that bedevil all marriages ever since Adam farted under the marital bed of leaves, thus sending Eve off on a sulky walk round the garden, where she met the serpent, and engaged in a conversation, the results of which we have all being paying for ever since. However since there is little doubt about who the culprit was when one fart precipitated the fall of man, ( there were only two of them, and it definitely wasn’t her), We have to move on a bit in history to find the incident that prompted the line immortalised in the title of this, not overly erudite, story. Most of you have probably heard of The Dead Sea Scrolls. These documents were found in a cave in Palestine around sixty years ago. They are currently housed in a museum in Jerusalem. The study of these documents has given historians, and theologians, some very valuable insights into how life was conducted in Palestine around the time of Christ, and in some centuries earlier. I am not going to write about these scrolls here. No, in this tale I want to reveal to the world some information that came to me in my capacity of President of The Ancient Society of Secret Historians. And this revelation, which only I am privy to, comes from a document known as the even deader than The Dead sea Scrolls scroll, and it was found in a toilet that was excavated underneath The Temple of Solomon in Jerusalem in 1907. The ancient parchment, that has the alternative name of The Solomon's Temple Toilet Toilet Roll, gives an account of a court martial that occurred on Noah’s Ark. It is written in Hebrew that predates the Jewish Babylonian exile, and may be considered to be the oldest extant evidence for the flood, and also only the second reference to farting in history. The first one is that unfortunate incident in Eden which I referred to earlier. Rather than bore the reader with a direct translation of the ancient "toilet roll", I am going to summarise the story in modern language. I hope in this way to convey the sense of the heinousness of the offence, and the justifiable wrath of the victims, in a manner more suitable to the perception of the modern reader. The incident took place around three months into the enforced voyage that Noah and his family had to take, when God decided to flood the entire globe, and destroy all his creation with the exception of the Noah family, and two of every kind of animal. All of these were cooped up together in a gigantic ship called The Ark. It took Noah 120 years to build his ship. The human accommodation on this vessel was not exactly conducive to the promotion of domestic harmony. Ninety nine per cent of the ship was taken up by the various animals. In a tiny cabin at the very top of The Ark Noah, his wife, their three sons,(Ham, Shem, and Japheth) and their three wives, had to exist with nothing to amuse themselves, and with only a tiny little window to glance out of occasionally at a very watery world. The worst thing about being on Noah's Ark was the prohibition on farting. Bickering became the order of the day. Half the time Noah wasn’t talking to his wife, and neither of them were on terms with the sons' wives. As is often the case, when people become institutionalised by confinement, small things become inordinately important. For instance Ham's wife fell asleep in a corner that Mrs Noah considered to be her space. The row over that lasted at least two weeks. The constant racket from all the animals did not exactly help to soothe frayed nerves either. The trumpeting of elephants, the roaring of lions, the laughing of hyenas, and the constant squawking of the various birds, meant that sleep could only be taken in snatches. To top their misery, the absolute prohibition on any type of farting, meant that their confinement together became a kind of nightmare. This ban on flatulence had been in force since the time of Adam and Eve. Since farting had led to the expulsion from The Garden of Eden, it was considered to be the most dammnable of all sins. It wasn’t such a problem prior to The Flood. If someone really needed to let rip, they could always go out into the fields to do so. God would know, and it would still be a sin. But at least no other human would be offended by the abomination. In the tiny cabin on The Ark it was a different story. No wide open spaces here to dissipate the offending gasses. And everyone would hear. So what we had here was a situation where eight people, who didn’t really get on, were confined together in a tiny cabin at the top of a ship packed with representatives of every animal on the planet; and there was little immediate prospect of them getting to enjoy the wide open spaces, or let rip in the middle of a field, like they had been accustomed to do all their lives. You see the problem was that though they had been farting all their lives, it was always only when they were unobserved. If asked, none of them would ever admit to the heinous solecism. Now privacy was unobtainable. Noah, his wife, their sons, and their wives, were reduced to standing sullenly in the corners of their tiny prison, afraid almost to move, lest the movement might force an evacuation of the gasses that were churning uncomfortably around in their respective intestines. It was a potentially explosive situation. The cleverest among the sons of Noah was Japheth. He was the kind of boy that would fall down crying, when his mother was in sight, and then pretend that Shem or Ham had pushed him. Of course Mrs Noah would give him a sweet, and clout the other two puzzled siblings around the head for "Bullying their poor little brother". He was a sneaky little brat, and he got away with that one for years. The result was that the two other kids resented him, and they held the grudge for decades, and were only longing for the opportunity to exact revenge. So while the rest of the family were clenching their cheeks resolutely, lest a sudden judder in The Ark might drive them into sin, while praying that God might send His angel to advise them that the prohibition was temporarily lifted, Japheth was devising a cunning plan. He had noted the trumpeting of the elephants, which was the loudest sound to be heard on the ship. The sneaky sod only decided to wait until the pachyderms bellowed again, and then to loosen his cheeks at the same time. He guessed that the sounds of the trumpeting would more than mask any sound that his rear end might produce. And the penalty for farting on Noah's Ark is??? He got away with it a few times. Ham and Shem suspected that he was up to something, when a relieved grin started to spread across their brother's face, instead of the clenched grimaces that adorned the visages of the rest of The Ark's crew. But they weren’t absolutely sure. They did note that the smile seemed to coincide with the trumpeting of the elephants. But that was not absolutely conclusive. What ruined it for the malefactor was the smell. Anyone who has studied the nature of flatulence can tell you that you can't predict which one you release into the atmosphere will be the smelly one. People have frequently stood in the presence of royalty, while slipping silent ones into the atmosphere unobserved, because they were without odour. But then, without warning, a real stinker can worm it's way out, and social disgrace can dog the rest of the unfortunate farter’s earthly existence. This is exactly what happened to the cocky son of the great patriarch. The elephants trumpeted. Japheth farted. Noah was the first to notice the awful smell. As the head of the family, and a bone fide prophet of God, to boot, he uttered the immortal words. "Who Farted? I Really Want to Know". "He did"! Ham and Shem simultaneously shouted, while pointing their accusing fingers at their red faced brother. "We must now have a court martial trial", Noah said. "Can we stone him afterwards"? the two righteous brothers asked eagerly. (They really had it in for Japheth). "No I have a much better idea", the wise old patriarch replied. "O.K let's make the trial a quick one then". So that is what they did. All the resentment that had built up over the years was vented on the head of, the once cocky, now shamefaced, Japheth. With Ham and Shem as the jurors, (women didn’t count in those days), the verdict was a foregone conclusion. "Guilty as charged". The punishment that Noah handed down to his wayward offspring was to be confined with his friends, the elephants, for the rest of his sojourn on The Ark. He considered that the proximity to these beasts, and their enormous intestinal eruptions, would cure him of the tendency to sin for the rest of his life. But, if anyone had cared to observe closely the expression of the criminal as he was dumped with the elephants, they would have noticed a most curious thing. Instead of the penitent expression that one would expect to see on the visage of a sentenced malefactor, there was a delighted grin spread all over the face of the younger son of the prophet. For Japheth knew, that while the "Righteous Ones “were screwing their faces into a rictus of pain, and clenching their buttocks, in their efforts to avoid offending God, with a sin that The Creator wasn’t bothered about anyway,("Righteous Ones") all over the world are still jumping through the same hoops), he would be down in the hold with the elephants having a fartfest. This true account never made it into the official bible. I sometimes think it is a pity that it did no |
| __________________________________________ [Aug 16,2012 10:44am - jo jo potatoes ""] roasted farts? |
| __________________________________ [Oct 16,2012 11:34am - Milton ""] anyone got good new stories about this? |
| ________________________________________ [Jan 11,2013 11:56am - MetalThursday ""] Apparently, I did last night... directly on her after passing out cuddling on the couch. I woke startled by her uncontrollable laughter. Not a bad way for it to happen I suppose. |
| _________________________________ [Mar 19,2014 2:58pm - Emeril ""] Roasted farts! Kick it up a notch! BAM! |
| _____________________________________________ [Mar 19,2014 5:34pm - fart illegal alien ""] bennyhillifier |