A fine example of how lack of sleep, gin, cocaine, christraper and retarded NY taxi drivers at three in the fucking morning dont mix well at all. Or you could just call it another pointless long ass thread by Christraper.
[views:4254][posts:40]______________________________________
[Mar 29,2005 11:41am - Christraper ""]
So we had just finished our show in NY and all was well. I had booze in my belly, powder in my nose, smoke in my lungs and a hot little girl in a king diamond shirt that i like to call my girlfriend. It was the end of the night and it was time for me and the lady to head back to my friends apartment for some well deserved sleep so we waved a cab down and handed him the address on a piece of paper and he started driving.
It became quite clear to us that this guy had no idea where he was going when he stopped in the middle of a rotundra and started muttering to himself in whatever language he grew up speaking. He then asked US where to go to which we replied "Dude, youre the cab driver, we handed you the address now get us there."
The cab driver (we'll call him Habib) then replied
"Awww man joo don tell me aneetink..."
"What?!? Dude! I handed you the address! You nodded as if you understood and started driving!"
"What joo meen man? Where'm I sposed to bee goink? Joo don tell mee notink!"
He then waved his hand in a rather belligerent manner and it was around this time that i started to smell alcahol in the car that neither I nor Valorie had been drinking that night.
"What the fuck are you talking about? I have no idea where the hell you are but I do know that youre lost, this is costing me money, and that your going to get fired if you dont get us home right now. I also know that youve been drinking."
"What?!?! Aw come on man, why joo got to say that?"
"Because youre drunker than I am right now thats why."
"Man I drive you like you say. Joo don tell me where to go!!!"
Heres where the coke really kicked in
"I DID TELL YOU WHERE TO FUCKING GO, I HANDED YOU THE GODDAMN ADDRESS NOW GET US THERE OR YOURE FUCKED!!!!"
Valorie then decided to chime in
"Hey man I just wrote down all your information and Im calling you out on this shit as soon as we get home."
Me- "THATS RIGHT FUCK-O!!! YOU ARE SOOOO FUCKING FIRED IF YOU DONT GET US WHERE WERE SUPPOSED TO FUCKING BE RIGHT THE FUCK RIGHT NOW!!!
Habib- "Hey man why joo got to bee like dat man??? I do my job! Joo goink to pay de toll man??"
Me- "ILL PAY THE GODDAMN TOLL BUT ITS THE LAST ONE YOUR EVER GONNA FUCKING GET YOU RETARDED MONGOLOID!! GET US HOME NOW!!"
Habib- "Hey man I just..."
Me- "NOW!!!!!!!!!"
Habib- "Ok man I not goink to argue wit choo."
Me- "GOOD!!!! CUZ I REEEEEAAAALLY DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY HAVE TO SAY OTHER THAN YES!!!! I WILL GET YOUR ASS HOME RIGHT NOW!!!!!"
Habib- "Oh my god."
Me- "THATS RIGHT!!!! I AM YOUR FUCKING GOD NOW GET US HOME NOW OR YOURE GONNA LOOSE YOUR FUCKING JOB!!!!"
Habib- " Habbalablabla blah blah blah.....blah."
Me- "WERE IN AMERICA DUDE, SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH!!!!"
Habib- "Hablah blah"
Me- "ENGLIIIIISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
There was an uncomfortable silence for a couple of minutes after that, then Val said to me
"Ive got all his information and im totally gonna get his ass fired as soon as we get back"
Me- "Indeed. This dude is fucked."
Habib- "Hey man, why joo got to be like......"
Me- "I DONT THINK EITHER OF US WERE FUCKING TALKING TO YOU GODDAMNIT!!! MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!! THE ONLY THING YOU SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT RIGHT NOW IS GETTING OUR ASSES HOME BECAUSE YOURE OBVIOUSLY LOST AND COSTING ME A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY I DONT FEEL LIKE SPENDING ON A RETARD LIKE YOU!!!!!"
Shortly after that with a significant amount of arguing on top of it Habib passes the street where our friends apartment is.
Val- "Dude! You just fucking passed our street! Stop the fucking car!"
Habib- "Ok wait let mee back up dee car"
Me- "NO!!!! STOP THE FUCKING CLOCK!!! WERE GETTING OUT HERE!!!! IM NOT PAYING YOU ANYMORE THAN I FUCKING HAVE TO YOU INBRED FUCK!!!"
The toll was $35. I handed him two twentys and said "Gimme my fucking change theres no way in hell your getting a goddamn tip!"
Habib quickly handed me one of the twentys back without thinking and I got the fuck out of the car while he yelled back at me realizing what he'd done.
Lessons learned:
1. My favorite word is "fuck"
2. Apparently I think very highly of myself when Im fucked up
3. Dont fuck with my girlfriend or shell get you fired
4. Habib sucks
5. If you throw a big enough psychotic fit in the back of a taxi youll get twenty bucks off the ride
Amount of times the word "fuck" was used in this thread: 23
Amount of times the word "fuck" was actually used between the club and my friends apartment: Who the fuck knows?
Obviously the ride and conversation we had was a bit longer but I filled you all in on key points of the conversation.
:thescream:
[Mar 29,2005 11:50am - timma nli ""]
well, that was moving. i think i'll go find the nearest taxi driver and beat the fuck out of him on principle alone.
[Mar 29,2005 11:53am - (MITF79) ""]
LOL
[Mar 29,2005 12:01pm - paganmegan ""]
christraper's stories are the best.
[Mar 29,2005 12:03pm - the_reverend ""]
unfortunately, they never end with "and then I got a blowjob"
[Mar 29,2005 12:06pm - Christraper ""]
the_reverend said:unfortunately, they never end with "and then I got a blowjob"
:bartmoon:
[Mar 29,2005 12:11pm - anonymous ""]
the_reverend said:unfortunately, they never end with "and then I got a blowjob"
Maybe he did, he just don't broadcast it like you and Carina:shocked:
[Mar 29,2005 12:12pm - Todd_Bombshelter NLI ""]
ooops that was me
[Mar 29,2005 12:24pm - ~Carina~ ""]
actually he broadcast the fact that he wasn\'t getting bj s
hence the rev s reply
[Mar 29,2005 12:25pm - ~carina~ ""]
oh..and as for broadcasting...it\'s not like we make threads about these things otherwise the board would be flooded
:bow:
they are more like comments in passing
[Mar 29,2005 12:32pm - Todd_Bombshelter ""]
haha your too funny,all the anal sex you guys talk about on here, now if that ain't broadcasting....come on now
[Mar 29,2005 12:34pm - Christraper ""]
he's got a point
[Mar 29,2005 12:37pm - litacore ""]
paganmegan said:christraper's stories are the best.
I agree. What's even better is that this kinda shit goes down in his presence.
"I AM YOUR FUCKING GOD!!!"
:satancross: :bow: hahaha :bow: :satancross:
[Mar 29,2005 12:38pm - anonymous ""]
Yeah, he is the coolest, especially since he admits to using coke!
[Mar 29,2005 12:39pm - skullet ""]
ahahahahahahhhaaha!!!!!! Thats one of the best stories I ever heard. You are a great storyteller.
[Mar 29,2005 12:48pm - Christraper ""]
litacore said:"I AM YOUR FUCKING GOD!!!"
:satancross: :bow: hahaha :bow: :satancross:
Yea, id gotten pretty high and mighty by that point. oops.
[Mar 29,2005 12:49pm - the_reverend ""]
the point is...
only post about not getting and not doing things
http://www.returntothepit.com/view.php?formid=12688
[Mar 29,2005 12:50pm - ~Carina~ ""]
yeah the rev makes comments about that quite a bit, can you blame him? Not many women can achieve orgasms like that..bite me
and it\'s not like we do that a lot anyhow so whateverrr
[Mar 29,2005 12:53pm - the_reverend ""]
and by "not" and "a lot" she means... a lot.
[Mar 29,2005 12:59pm - litacore ""]
Christraper said:litacore said:"I AM YOUR FUCKING GOD!!!"
:satancross: :bow: hahaha :bow: :satancross:
Yea, id gotten pretty high and mighty by that point. oops.
no oops at all, that RULES!!!
:spineyes:[Mar 29,2005 2:57pm - Christraper ""]
Indeed. Belligerent self-aggrandizement rules.
[Mar 29,2005 3:13pm - Christraper ""]
the_reverend said:the point is...
only post about not getting and not doing things
http://www.returntothepit.com/view.php?formid=12688
I also post threads about cutting my nutsack open
[Mar 29,2005 6:48pm - dreadkill ""]
that was very entertaining
[Mar 29,2005 9:13pm - retzam ""]
Hahaha I remember that thread. This one was good too.
[Mar 29,2005 11:49pm - powerkok ""]
"I had booze in my belly.....
i started to smell alcahol in the car that neither I nor Valorie had been drinking that night."
Umm.
[Mar 30,2005 12:26am - anonymous ""]
what a gay story
[Mar 30,2005 8:18am - BestialOnslaught ""]
I fucking hate incompetence and idiocy. Did your lady end up calling the cab company or the city with the guy's info?
[Mar 30,2005 9:13am - Christraper ""]
powerkok said:"I had booze in my belly.....
i started to smell alcahol in the car that neither I nor Valorie had been drinking that night."
Umm.
we were drinking gin, hed been drinking whiskey
[Mar 30,2005 9:13am - Christraper ""]
BestialOnslaught said:I fucking hate incompetence and idiocy. Did your lady end up calling the cab company or the city with the guy's info?
of course
[Mar 30,2005 9:48am - Abbath ""]
litacore said:paganmegan said:christraper's stories are the best.
I agree. What's even better is that this kinda shit goes down in his presence.
"I AM YOUR FUCKING GOD!!!"
:satancross: :bow: hahaha :bow: :satancross:
i have to agree, the most entertaining threads i ever read
i told my friends about the cop and the period incident and they've laughed for hours, funniest fucker ever :satancross:
[Mar 30,2005 10:14am - killerkadoogan ""]
god damn that's good shit
[Mar 30,2005 10:24am - the_reverend ""]
BestialOnslaught said:I fucking hate incompetence and idiocy. Did your lady end up calling the cab company or the city with the guy's info?
personally, I hate people who are incontinent.
[Mar 30,2005 10:25am - the_reverend ""]
ChrisTraperTV?!?
[Mar 30,2005 10:40am - Christraper ""]
hahahaha!!!! id make such a boring tv host. id be stoned or drunk all the time and my guests would get really confused when i just stare at them.
[Mar 30,2005 10:46am - killerkadoogan ""]
i always think about how great it would be to have a talk show where i'm all fucked up and make the guests feel awkward...
jay you wanna start a tv show with me?
our first guests can be aaron, carina, and joe
[Mar 30,2005 11:03am - anonymous ""]
Would the topic be anal sex?
[Mar 30,2005 11:14am - Christraper ""]
killerkadoogan said:i always think about how great it would be to have a talk show where i'm all fucked up and make the guests feel awkward...
jay you wanna start a tv show with me?
our first guests can be aaron, carina, and joe
Absolutely. I could do it with someone else but if i was on my own Id freak out like Garth in Waynes World.
[Mar 30,2005 11:15am - Christraper ""]
anonymous said:Would the topic be anal sex?
If Ben and I had a tv show that would be a regular topic
[Mar 30,2005 11:19am - litacore ""]
[img]
if Zorack can have a show, anyone can
who would the house band be?
[Mar 30,2005 11:38am - Christraper ""]
White Mice maybe
[Mar 30,2005 11:41am - powerkok ""]
Christraper said:powerkok said:"I had booze in my belly.....
i started to smell alcahol in the car that neither I nor Valorie had been drinking that night."
Umm.
we were drinking gin, hed been drinking whiskey
Gotcha. Fuckin ha-bob's