The true story of Thanksgiving (as written by T-Shirt Hell newsletter lady)[views:1641][posts:0]________________________________________ [Nov 28,2005 7:18pm - KillerKadoogan ""] [The True Story of Thanksgiving) There has been plenty written about the first Thanksgiving. Seriously, read a book once in a while and you'll see. It was great because there had been a good harvest. The white man taught the Indians how to turn corn into whiskey, and they taught the white man how to smoke dope and turn birch tree bark into primitive LSD. But it was always meant to be a one time thing. But the Indians had other ideas. They started to show up every year. While initially finding the Indians amusing with their clown make-up, flamboyant headbands, and leather diapers, the white man now realized they were just a bunch of dirty hippies, sitting around looking for a handout. Even worse, while the white man just wanted to sit around and watch football on Thanksgiving; the Indians all wanted to play lacrosse. The Pilgrims knew lacrosse was a godless, heathen activity and they thought it looked really gay. True, the white men liked nailing the Indian princesses. They were really dirty, and you could generally have your choice for just a few beads or some shiny buttons. And even when you convert that to today's prices; banging a chick for 50 buttons is still a pretty good deal. But the Pilgrims had plenty of farm animals to bugger and they liked to drill holes in pumpkins when they needed immediate sexual gratification. When their wives found the pumpkins with the holes drilled in them they told them they were 'jack-o-lanterns' and created a whole phony 'Halloween' tradition to explain them away. So, the Pilgrims decided to try and make a clean break with the natives. They hatched a plan. They would cook up all of the worst shit and feed it to the Indians. Cook up turkey, which they knew would be dry. Then stuff it with old, stale bread. Make a sauce out of cranberries which are the nastiest, sourest fruit. And they would take all of the jack-o-lanterns (yes, those jack-o-lanterns) that had been lying around in the sun for a month and make them into pies. Needless to say it didn't go well. Everyone was pissed and the Indians sulked around afterwards. Even though they had enjoyed the pumpkin pie, they didn't even stay to try and find the afikomen. "If it's so much trouble to cook dinner for us," the Indians said "Next year, why not just make reservations some place?" Well, the white men loved the idea of making reservations for the Indians. It took a couple hundred years for the white man to get around to making all of them, but soon they stretched across the country and they seemed to work like a charm. Even the Indians admit dealing blackjack beats dancing to try and make rain. Plus, they're all pretty numb from the boozing. I can't believe Indian's still take part in Thanksgiving Day parades, and in full traditional outfits no less. It always seems to me like Jews taking part in a celebration of Hitler's birthday and dressing up in concentration camp outfits. Now, Americans love Thanksgiving, because now, we don't have to invite Indians over our houses. Plus, it's another reason to stuff our rich, fat, American faces. It's not just another excuse to over eat, it's almost mandatory. If you don't eat until you're bursting on Thanksgiving, you might as well wipe your ass with the American flag and then strangle your mother with it while you sodomize her. And I know a lot of you are thinking, "wipe your ass with the American flag and sodomize your mother? Isn't that how they celebrate Ramadan?" All I can say to that is I'm not sure. In my house all we celebrate is something I like to call, 'Hot Sexual Kwanzaa'. |