I'm opening a new business.[views:5693][posts:54]____________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 6:49pm - RichHorror ""] Today, for the first time in a few weeks, I went to lunch with my friend Jared. We went to 'The Stockade'. As I pulled into the parking lot, I could see this was an eatery with great promise. First off, the place was bigger than a fuckin' Wal*Mart. Since this was merely a steakhouse, this gave me hope that they actually murdered the animals on the premises. Maybe for an extra fee, I could watch a cow die screaming on a killing room floor. What a stone cold groove that would be. Also, above the entrance was a giant golden silhoette of a bull's head, giving the impression that this was the steakhouse co-owned by Slayer and Lemmy. Also, there was a grizzled old bearded man that looked like a retired lumberjack stoically smoking by the entrance. I was hopeful that this would be our maitre'd. Sadly, this was not the case. When we entered, I first saw a pair of college girls by the bar, no doubt husband-hunting. I saw polite and well-dressed waiters. I saw sissy-looking light fixtures. As we sat down, we were given a pansy mini-corn muffin each. They even had salads on the menu. This was all wrong. Seeking to right this cruel injustice, I decided to begin a plan to buy this restaraunt, and turn it into the fine dining experience is deserved to be. Here are a few ideas I am determined to put into action. 1] The aforementioned killing floor, with comfortable seating for vieweing the entertainment. Also, each death will be commentated on by Michael Buffer. 'Let's get ready to MUUUUUUUUUUUURRDEEEEEEEEERR!'. 2] If any of you have been to a 'Texas Roadhouse', you're familiar with their practice of littering peanut shells all over the floor. I assume this is to add to the 'authentic' Southern vibe. The Stockade will do something similar.. only instead of peanut shells the floor will be littered with spent bullet casings, condom wrappers, empty packs of Marlboro and crushed Budweiser cans. 3] Since this will be a man's man sort of place, no women will be allowed to eat their without the company of a man. If a woman comes in alone, she is guided into the 'Whore Corral', similar to a coat room. Just as it is when you go to a fancy restaraunt without a dinner jacket, if you come into The Stockade without a lady at your side, one will be provided for you. 4] All waiters will be forced to dress up as pirates or lumberjacks. And no fruity Johnny Depp pirates, either. Grizzled, toothless badasses with hooks for hands. Instead of simply asking for your order, they will first regale you with a grizzled tale from a life filled with barfights, gunshot wounds and abusive fathers. Also, they will never refer to you as 'sir'... only as 'buddy', 'pal' or 'Sonny Jim'. All bartenders will have to dress as one of the following three-- Sgt. Nick Fury, Rambo or Robocop. The maitre'd will be the retired lumberjack I mentioned earlier. 5] There will be no napkins, because that's for commies. Wipe your hands on your pants, Sally. We may possibly have a furry dog walking around for you to wipe your hands on, because who doesn't like petting a furry dog, really. 6] The restroom will have all sinks, urinals and stalls removed. There will only be one large drain in the middle of the floor. The floor will be white tile, and the walls will be surgical steel with pictures of bullfighters on them because bullfighters are kickass. The ceiling will have a huge mural of John Wayne. Because he's The Duke and you're a financial consultant, you red-headed fop. 7] Finally, the name of the restaraunt will be changed from 'The Stockade' to 'MEAT'. And that doesn't make it sound like a gay bar, no matter what you say. I look forward to your patronage. |
| ________________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 7:29pm - Granny_Monster ""] Again, there are no words... just bountiful joy. |
| ________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 7:31pm - Kevord ""] Granny_Monster said:Again, there are no words... just bountiful joy. Rich why haven't you proposed yet? |
| ____________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 7:32pm - RichHorror ""] I believe that she's betrothed to another. |
| ________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 7:34pm - Kevord ""] RichHorror said:I believe that she's betrothed to another. Does he own a Meat establishment? I doubt it. |
| ____________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 7:36pm - RichHorror ""] She's an attractive woman with a good taste in music and movies. Therefor, I am obviously forever trapped in the FRIENDZONE. |
| ________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 7:40pm - Kevord ""] But Love = Free beef. At least that's what I heard. |
| ____________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 7:43pm - Mike Pile ""] I am going to go to this resturantarium, and create six hundred and sixty six unsanity conditions. |
| ____________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 7:49pm - RichHorror ""] Customer satisfaction is job #2, right behind laughing at screaming cattle. |
| ____________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 7:49pm - RichHorror ""] Kevord said:But Love = Free beef. At least that's what I heard. That's sadly only applicable in Provincetown. |
| _____________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 10:50pm - NateTheWAR ""] holy fucking christ... i would live in said establishment |
| __________________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 10:51pm - Reality Hammer ""] Don't jerk us around. Do this. |
| _____________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 10:52pm - RichHorror ""] When have I ever lied to my children before? Don't answer that, but have complete faith in me regardless. |
| ___________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 11:05pm - Dertoxia ""] just bring this business proposal to your local bank and inform them that you are leaving with the money whether or not they give it to you voluntarily |
| _____________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 11:07pm - RichHorror ""] I'm a millionaire playboy. Banks are for college faggots and poor people. |
| ___________________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 11:07pm - davefromthegrave ""] fuck it. |
| ___________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 11:11pm - Dertoxia ""] RichHorror said:I'm a millionaire playboy. Banks are for college faggots and poor people. fuckk, i'm both of those things. i lose :( |
| _________________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 11:15pm - brad weymouth ""] stupidest idea ever. you should be proud of yourself |
| _____________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 11:15pm - RichHorror ""] I'd like to point out the 'Whore Corral' as the reason you're weong and I'm right. |
| _________________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 11:28pm - brad weymouth ""] get fucked...love ya |
| ______________________________________________ [Oct 25,2006 11:34pm - MarkFuckingRichards ""] i back this establishment 100% only if i am appointed art director and/or commissioned to construct the john wayne mural, created only out of condiments (including ketchup, mustard, bbq sauce, and various steak sauces, among others), spices and said floor "garnish" (cigarette butts, condom wrappers, etc.). make it happen rich. fortune 500, here we come. |
| ___________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 12:56am - powerkok ""] Id eat there in a hardened heartbeat. RichHorror said: 2] If any of you have been to a 'Texas Roadhouse', you're familiar with their practice of littering peanut shells all over the floor. I assume this is to add to the 'authentic' Southern vibe. The peanut oil conditions and maintains the wood floor from the constant southern heat. True fact. |
| ____________________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 9:18am - FuckIsMySignature ""] I would pay extra if could slaughter the cow myself and then eat it. |
| _____________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 10:29am - RichHorror ""] Done. |
| ______________________________________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 10:55am - jim is to lazy to get his password ""] one of my drawing professors is friends with a lawyer together they use the internet to find artists that do not copyright their work and recreate it, better to make the original look like a fake. then they sue them. bridgewater state college only hires the finest |
| ___________________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 11:19am - largefreakatzero ""] This sounds wonderful. What shall you name this fine eatery? |
| _____________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 11:29am - RichHorror ""] RichHorror said:7] Finally, the name of the restaraunt will be changed from 'The Stockade' to 'MEAT'. And that doesn't make it sound like a gay bar, no matter what you say. |
| ____________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 11:29am - Dissector ""] jim is to lazy to get his password said:one of my drawing professors is friends with a lawyer together they use the internet to find artists that do not copyright their work and recreate it, better to make the original look like a fake. then they sue them. bridgewater state college only hires the finest You go to BSC too? |
| _____________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 11:55am - paganmegan ""] I can't believe I waited til now to open this thread. The hilarity |
| _____________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 12:04pm - RichHorror ""] We all make mistakes. |
| ____________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 12:15pm - ninkaszi ""] hahaha sgt. nick fury. that fucking rules. i would definitely bartend at this fine establishment. |
| _____________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 12:16pm - RichHorror ""] I am so fucking smart. |
| _______________________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 12:21pm - chris_from_shit_fuck ""] Rich, you should have thought of this years ago. If you need a "scallywag" bartender, I'm your man. |
| __________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 1:12pm - dertoxia ""] can the whores all be forced to wear outfits like when princess leia was jaba the huts slave? [img] |
| _____________________________________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 1:40pm - jim is to lazy to get his password ""] Dissector said:jim is to lazy to get his password said:one of my drawing professors is friends with a lawyer together they use the internet to find artists that do not copyright their work and recreate it, better to make the original look like a fake. then they sue them. bridgewater state college only hires the finest You go to BSC too? yeah dude |
| _________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 1:40pm - mcmahon ""] will pistols be provided for russian roulette while we wait? |
| __________________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 1:48pm - largefreakatzero ""] If we bring in our own dead animals will the staff be nice enough to gut and cook them? |
| ____________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 2:02pm - RichHorror ""] All waitresses will be dressed in the Princess Leia slave girl outfit. Pistols will be provided for shooting a cow on the killing floor in the head. Tuesday is 'Bring In A Carcass Night'. |
| ________________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 2:07pm - Granny_Monster ""] RichHorror said: Tuesday is 'Bring In A Carcass Night'. And I hope you keep with the theme by putting Necroticism and Symphonies of Sickness on repeat. |
| ____________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 2:07pm - RichHorror ""] Clearly. |
| ________________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 2:12pm - Granny_Monster ""] There should also be a prize for the person who brings in a carcass of the most endangered species. |
| _____________________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 2:18pm - MarkFuckingRichards ""] jim is to lazy to get his password said:one of my drawing professors is friends with a lawyer together they use the internet to find artists that do not copyright their work and recreate it, better to make the original look like a fake. then they sue them. bridgewater state college only hires the finest that is absolutely fucked up. good thing "poor man's copyright" holds up in court. if any artist doesn't know what that is, they are in trouble. |
| ____________________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 2:25pm - FuckIsMySignature ""] Suggestion 1: Valet parking which includes automatic entry into the hourly destruction derby. Suggestion 2: Cock fights Suggestion 3: Open Bar from 2pm to 2:15pm |
| _____________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 2:49pm - xanonymousx ""] will this place be vegan friendly will there be a viewing room to see the fresh to-fu being made as well? |
| ____________________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 3:41pm - FuckIsMySignature ""] xanonymousx said:will this place be vegan friendly will there be a viewing room to see the fresh to-fu being made as well? tofu just another word for soilent green? :pukeface: |
| ____________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 4:56pm - RichHorror ""] Tofu is chinese for 'food faggots eat'. |
| ______________________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 6:31pm - everpessimistnowNLI ""] cock fights are a must what are you going to do with the unusable animal parts? |
| ____________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 6:33pm - RichHorror ""] Throw them out of the window of my car at homeless people. |
| ______________________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 6:39pm - everpessimistnowNLI ""] nice |
| ____________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 6:55pm - RichHorror ""] I am the nicest person to ever beat a woman in front of O'Briens Pub. |
| ______________________________________________ [Oct 26,2006 7:05pm - everpessimistnowNLI ""] :shocker: |
| ____________________________________________________ [Oct 27,2006 10:30am - babyshaker not logged in ""] RichHorror said:I'm a millionaire playboy. Banks are for college faggots and poor people. best line in this whole thread |
| _____________________________________ [Oct 27,2006 10:32am - RichHorror ""] I am the king of comedy. |
| _____________________________________________ [Oct 27,2006 11:12am - FuckIsMySignature ""] RichHorror said:I am the king of comedy. I think you'll have to fight Rober Deniro for that title. :bartmoon: |
| _____________________________________ [Oct 27,2006 11:13am - RichHorror ""] I would never lay my hands on a disgusting italian person. |