Lars Ulrich's Total Ass-Whooping Smackdown*[views:8160][posts:2]__________________________________ [Jun 10,2008 2:47pm - succubus ""] Badass Bassist with a Big Beard and Cooler Dad Claims He Will Cut the Drummer Down to Size before Taking on Elton John ** Outspoken bassist Nitewolf of intergalactic rock n' roll saviors Valient Thorr has announced that he'd like to teach Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich a thing or two, with a bold call-to-arms that is causing a ripple of gasps, raised eyebrows and "oh-no-he-didn'ts" from astonished fans, fellow musicians and concerned parents around the world. "That guy goes around always thinking he's the best," says Nitewolf of the legendary metal percussionist from one of the biggest-selling acts of all time. "I think it's time somebody showed Lars who's boss, and I'm just the man to defeat him, in public, with my superior skills. As soon as I'm done cleaning the floor with his weak game, I'm taking on that other punk, Elton John." Ulrich himself has offered no comment thus far***, with the Metallica camp strangely silent on the matter****. Music industry insiders note that odds may indeed be in Nitewolf's favor, as the Valient Thorr bassist and artist-in-residence was raised by a "professional" (earth) father, who mentored him in war-like arts of strategy, cunning and weaponry ***** -- plus Nitewolf's long, lustrous beard is a indicator of extreme testosterone production. Parties interested in sponsoring the match are encouraged to contact Nitewolf's representatives at the information below. These daring comments arrive just as Valient Thorr are attempting to improve their image with the June 17 release of their latest Volcom Entertainment masterpiece, IMMORTALIZER, and subsequent 31-date, cross-country U.S. tour with fellow rockers Early Man -- as well as additional opening acts Architects, Kandi Coded, Monotonix, Skeletonwitch and Toxic Holocaust on select dates - that launches on July 9 in Sparks, NV. Nitewolf's outburst is also in surprising contrast with saint-like bandmate/frontman Valient Himself, who recently underwent transplant surgery to donate a kidney to his ailing father. Immediately after his speedy recovery, the band played in front of hundreds of thousands of rabid fans at the UK's Download Festival , club shows in the UK and Germany, and Belgium's Graspop Festival in anticipation of the U.S. tour. IMMORTALIZER was recorded in Seattle with veteran producer Jack Endino (Nirvana, Soundgarden, Hot Hot Heat), who helped Valient Thorr shape their signature sound with a mix of punk-fueled energy, heavyweight grooves and classic rock swagger. Previous albums such as the band's self-released 2003 debut Stranded on Earth, their 2005 Volcom debut Total Universe Man, and 2006 follow-up Legend of the World tackled the world's problems straight on with a blunt, in-your-face attack on the Bush Administration, war in the Middle East and capitalism run amok. Since hitting the road full-time, Valient Thorr has enjoyed successive, high-profile stints on the Vans Warped Tour in 2005 and 2006, and has toured incessantly with such varied acts as Joan Jett and the Black Hearts, Eagles of Death Metal, Gogol Bordello, Fu Manchu and Motörhead. * Please note: by "ass-whooping smackdown," Nitewolf is referring to "tennis match," preferably for charitable benefits. ** In a gentlemanly sport involving a tiny, fuzzy yellow ball before a polite group of well-behaved spectators. *** And hasn't even been contacted. **** Ditto. ***** Use of "weaponry" limited to include tennis racquets only. |
| ____________________________________ [Jun 10,2008 4:27pm - DYA / NLI ""] LOL "Lars fucking Ulrich of Metallica, go!" |
| _______________________________________ [Jun 11,2008 12:57pm - the_reverend ""] copied, but forgot to paste this. |