a brand new I hate shitting at work thread[views:15555][posts:75]______________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 9:12am - the_reverend ""] ok, what am I doning wrong here. most of the people who shit next to my do something while wiping that sounds like daniel-san doing wax on/wax off for 5 back and forths per wipe. now the guy beside me is putting the foot that I can see backwards when he wipes so it is almost behind the bowl. please, tell me what im doing wrong here. |
| _________________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 9:13am - metal_church101 ""] Western Grip? |
| _________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 9:14am - W3 nli ""] why are you checking out other people wiping their ass! |
| _________________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 9:15am - metal_church101 ""] I think the Rev was yelling over the stall wall telling the guy that he was doing it wrong. |
| _______________________________ [Mar 13,2009 10:34am - Yeti ""] Rev wipes back to front. his grundle is potent. |
| _______________________________ [Mar 13,2009 10:38am - Mess ""] my meds make me constipated for atleast 3 days at a time |
| ______________________________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 10:40am - Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) ""] Sorry Rev, that's me in the next stall. I have a very wide stance. Stop being such a liberal pussy. |
| _______________________________ [Mar 13,2009 10:41am - Yeti ""] hahahaha |
| __________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 11:10am - C.dEaD ""] 3 SEASHELLS OR YOU ARE A PUSSY |
| ___________________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 11:13am - largefreakatzero ""] Mess said:my meds make me constipated for atleast 3 days at a time Fiber, my man. Take the Metamucil. |
| ___________________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 11:14am - largefreakatzero ""] I took 2 epic dumps today -- nice! |
| _______________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 11:23am - the_reverend ""] I wish I were retarded so I could kick the door in and see what the fuck they are doing. |
| __________________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 11:24am - metal_church101 ""] You have to be retarded to do that? |
| ______________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 11:26am - Bob Barker ""] C.dEaD said:3 SEASHELLS OR YOU ARE A PUSSY soda out nose, thanks |
| _________________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 11:29am - DestroyYouAlot ""] HOW THE FUCK DO YOU USE THE SEASHELLS?!? TELLLLLL MEEEEEE |
| _____________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 11:30am - JackGrants ""] There are no surveillance cameras in the toilets yet ? |
| __________________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 11:30am - metal_church101 ""] DestroyYouAlot said:HOW THE FUCK DO YOU USE THE SEASHELLS?!? TELLLLLL MEEEEEE The sticky side goes down. |
| _____________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 11:31am - JackGrants ""] DestroyYouAlot said:HOW THE FUCK DO YOU USE THE SEASHELLS?!? TELLLLLL MEEEEEE You have great movie references, man |
| _________________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 11:40am - DestroyYouAlot ""] That one's C.dead's point, but THX. LOL |
| _________________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 12:32pm - DestroyYouAlot ""] Big huge fat guy coming out of the stall before me. TONS of TP lint EVERYWHERE. That's a lot of square yardage of ass to wipe. |
| _______________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 12:36pm - the_reverend ""] was the seat warm? I had when the seat is warm. I hate when the person before you leaves a baseball sized lump of tp in the bowl. I for one hold the handle down until EVERY scrap is gone down the hole. |
| ________________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 1:05pm - DestroyYouAlot ""] Yeah, it was clogged when I got there. I didn't help matters any. |
| ________________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 1:07pm - josh_hates_you ""] i work with a bunch of mexicans and various other dirty immigrants. i dare not sit on the pooper at work. |
| ______________________________ [Mar 13,2009 1:14pm - Yeti ""] the_reverend said:was the seat warm? I had when the seat is warm. oh man, i also had when the seat is warm. its so fucking gross. i'm one of only like 5 guys on my entire floor so the shitting experience at work isn't nearly as intrustive as it was. |
| ________________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 1:14pm - DestroyYouAlot ""] Josh, you can't catch Mexican from a toilet seat, that's just a myth. |
| _________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 1:25pm - C.dEad ""] Bob%20Barker said: C.dEaD said:3 SEASHELLS OR YOU ARE A PUSSY soda out nose, thanks Glad I could be of service. |
| _________________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 1:29pm - metal_church101 ""] Root beer out my ass today. |
| ______________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 1:30pm - the_reverend ""] I just pushed out something like looked like kfc's popcorn chicken. |
| _________________________________ [Mar 13,2009 1:30pm - C.dEad ""] DestroyYouAlot said:Josh, you can't catch Mexican from a toilet seat, that's just a myth. haha, that was good. |
| ______________________________ [Mar 13,2009 1:31pm - Yeti ""] i shit out something that looked like a Tremor earlier. |
| ______________________________ [Mar 13,2009 1:31pm - Yeti ""] i'm sorry, "graboid". |
| _______________________________________ [Mar 25,2009 10:12am - the_reverend ""] someone left their toothbrush on the tp dispenser... oh the seinfiedian things I'm thinking... |
| _______________________________ [Mar 25,2009 10:39am - BSV ""] i love shitting at work. when work sucks, nothing is better than popping a squat with a HST novel. |
| ______________________________ [Mar 26,2009 7:29am - Yeti ""] rule #1 about shitting at work: never shit on break. if you have to shit really bad while on break, hold it at all costs. |
| __________________________________________ [Mar 26,2009 8:28am - Yeti's supervisor ""] Our IT department has informed me of your postings in this thread. Next time you have to shit it BETTER be on your break time or you will be subject to disciplinary action, including possible termination. Oh, and stop farting in your cube all day, your co-workers don't appreciate the stench of rancid ass in the office. |
| _______________________________ [Mar 26,2009 10:30am - Yeti ""] my co-workers have no choice but to bask in my aroma. |
| ________________________________________ [Mar 26,2009 10:48am - boblovesmusic ""] the stall that I frequent resonates a certain note really well. It's bizarre. |
| _______________________________________ [Mar 26,2009 11:37am - the_reverend ""] im double dl'ing right now. in before lunch ftw! |
| ______________________________________ [Jun 26,2009 5:06pm - the_reverend ""] ok... the weird wiper is shitting beside me again. im killing time in the bathroom, but this dude not only makes a bunch of multiple wiping noises from each piece of tp and puts his foot back behind the toilet seat, but he wipes 1-3 times, pauses for 2-3 minutes and then wipes another 1-3 times. he had done this a bunch of times since I got in here. while typing this, his phone rang 3 times. ahahahhahahaha. I need to figure out who this dude is. |
| ___________________________________ [Jun 26,2009 5:36pm - contagion ""] getting paid to take a dump is better than not getting paid to take a dump |
| _________________________________________ [Jun 26,2009 9:41pm - Conservationist ""] the_reverend said:he wipes 1-3 times, pauses for 2-3 minutes and then wipes another 1-3 times. he had done this a bunch of times since I got in here. ROIDS |
| __________________________________________________ [Jun 26,2009 10:24pm - the_taste_of_cigarettes ""] I have solved the riddle of why your co-workers are all fucking weird freaks, Aaron. YOU WORK IN COMPUTERS. |
| _______________________________ [Jun 27,2009 12:48am - blue ""] THREE SEASHELLS FTW |
| __________________________________________ [Jun 28,2009 2:29am - douchebag_patrol ""] http://www.smellypoop.com/facts_about_poop.php What Happens When I'm At WORK and I have to Poop? We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the......... Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE. UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. |
| __________________________________ [Jul 16,2009 10:37pm - Martins ""] I took two quick shits at work today. It was awesome. It's only my first week. |
| ________________________________________________ [Jul 16,2009 11:19pm - IllinoisEnemaBradness ""] i break the seal at home, usually just one nug. I have coffee, water and a pop tart. I'm on the bowl before 10 am most mornings. The other guys I work with ALWAYS leave little shreds of crap floating and almost always leave skid marks under the water on the bottom of the bowl. 75 year old LaDon Johnson eats BK every lunch and farts constantly, he's awesome. Tim is my size a little bigger and shits at least 5 times a day, the head has been named Tim's Office. |
| __________________________________________ [Jul 17,2009 12:13am - Conservationist ""] Whatever just fell out of me is not even feces. It's like semi-digested food curds. I am so embarrassed I did not take pictures and upload them I can't even speak right now. I have failed you all. |
| _______________________________ [Jul 17,2009 10:38am - Yeti ""] ive got a big one brewing. |
| _______________________________ [Jul 17,2009 12:36pm - Yeti ""] success. |
| _______________________________________ [Sep 14,2009 10:04am - the_reverend ""] as i shit here trying to turn myself inside out on the terlet, it was way too early for the strage shitter to break my silence. who the fuck flushes 6 times during one shit and how do you flush while wiping? |
| _______________________________ [Sep 14,2009 10:39am - Yeti ""] there is no silence more deafening than the men's room silence. |
| _______________________________ [Sep 14,2009 10:39am - Yeti ""] i just shit for the 7th time since Saturday, bless the man who invented baked beans. |
| ____________________________________ [Sep 14,2009 10:41am - arktouros ""] Storm is brewing. I'll keep everyone posted. |
| __________________________________ [Sep 14,2009 11:09am - gslice ""] more like POOSTED, M-I-RITE! |
| _______________________________________ [Sep 14,2009 11:14am - SkinSandwich ""] I layed out some TNT at 5am this morning. it was one of those what the fuck wake up calls, and then the marathon run to the can. |
| ____________________________________ [Sep 14,2009 11:16am - arktouros ""] HA I thought I saw a turkey leg in there. |
| _______________________________ [Sep 14,2009 12:48pm - BSV ""] I love pooping at work. I'm currently reading Preacher:Gone to Texas. |
| _____________________________________ [Sep 14,2009 2:03pm - secthammer ""] I hate having to shit in Psych. Our teacher is kinda lame and if you leave the room once to go poop or whatever they won't let ya back in |
| ______________________________________________ [Sep 14,2009 2:15pm - tyler selling booze ""] secthammer said:I hate having to shit in Psych. Our teacher is kinda lame and if you leave the room once to go poop or whatever they won't let ya back in i hate teachers with stupid rules like this. what are you trying to prove? |
| _______________________________ [Sep 14,2009 3:00pm - Pires ""] Control your bladders and bowels or youre a pussy. Especially in psych class. Mind over matter. |
| ___________________________________ [Sep 14,2009 5:42pm - starmummy ""] I went to Chipotle for lunch today and when I came back to work I filled the toilet with a million loose brown snakes. It looked like the Well of Souls in Raiders of the Lost Ark. |
| ____________________________________ [Sep 14,2009 5:57pm - immortal13 ""] The only reason I hate shitting at work is because of the low quality tp we use. It hurts sometimes it's so bad. |
| _______________________________________ [Sep 14,2009 6:35pm - Demon Slices ""] This thread is beyond awesome lol. |
| __________________________________ [Sep 14,2009 6:42pm - archaeon ""] I've turned on a few of my friends in my dorm onto this. Public bathrooms for dorm ftw. Theres one dude who does 5+ wipes with and extreme amount of force. it rules. |
| ___________________________________ [Sep 15,2009 8:01am - starmummy ""] I feel a loose one coming on. I apologize in advance to my co-workers |
| __________________________________________________ [Sep 15,2009 11:10am - dontlivefastjustdienli ""] haha...that list of terms is amazing. my boss takes the most brutal shits. it sounds like a solar system is exploding out of his ass |
| __________________________________ [Sep 15,2009 11:37am - Martins ""] archaeon said:I've turned on a few of my friends in my dorm onto this. Public bathrooms for dorm ftw. Theres one dude who does 5+ wipes with and extreme amount of force. it rules. Is that supposed to be a lot of wipes? Man, I hit 20 - 30 sometimes. Messy. |
| ___________________________________ [Sep 15,2009 3:00pm - starmummy ""] Just finished punishing the porcelain. I read the entire booklet to the reissue of David Bowie's Young Americans CD/DVD set. The poop was really big and stringy....and smelled like corpse. |
| __________________________________ [Jan 17,2011 4:22am - bradmann ""] [img] |
| ______________________________ [Jan 17,2011 7:16am - Yeti ""] my company moved to a new building so i get to decimate new toilets. |
| ______________________________________ [Jan 17,2011 8:31am - the_reverend ""] I sometimes walk out and go to a different bathroom if there is someone in the handicapped stall. After eating 2 bean burgers lastnight... yes I will plunder the bathroom soon. |
| ________________________________________ [Jan 17,2011 9:36am - eyehatehippies ""] I have my own bathroom at work, but it's always clogging or overflowing and shit because on the weekends, some douchebag at the bar finds it and sticks a beer bottle down it. I'm going to kill that douchebag when I find out who he is. |
| __________________________________________ [Jan 17,2011 10:22am - ancient master ""] the_reverend said:I wish I were retarded so I could kick the door in and see what the fuck they are doing. this actually happened to me when I was a kid at a summer camp |
| _____________________________ [May 6,2011 3:18pm - Yeti ""] i went in to shit earlier and ended up just farting for 2 minutes straight. i felt like i accomplished something. |
| ________________________________________ [May 6,2011 4:28pm - conservationist ""] the_reverend said:most of the people who shit next to my do something while wiping that sounds like daniel-san doing wax on/wax off for 5 back and forths per wipe. 'roid rage |
| _______________________________________ [May 8,2011 10:17am - Alexecutioner ""] douchebag_patrol said:TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle. i fucking hate these people, my last job only had one stall. people constanting trying to push on the door as if they were oblivious that anyone was inside. then they just linger outside the stall until your done. i was trying to take a shit once and the cleaning lady started pushing the mop under the divider, moping up around my feet was i was dropping a spike. what the fuck lady?! |