The perfect movie is about to come out.[views:3816][posts:20]___________________________________ [Aug 19,2010 5:46pm - narkybark ""] ...and that movie is Piranha 3. Don't believe me? Read this amazing review from http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/entertainm.../film/913124/piranha-3d-review.html "PIRANHA 3D is a disgusting piece of sleazy trash aimed at the type of banana-peeling, bum-picking morons who live a house with bars on the front and a tyre swing in the corner. And basically, I loved every second of it. Filmmakers have tried, over and over again, to recreate the joys of exploitation movies for the noughties crowd. And most of the time, they've failed. Because drumming up some retro, tongue-in-cheek laughs is one thing. But making your film as shocking to jaded modern viewers as the original slasher movies were to horror fans in the 1970s and 80s is quite another. Either you have gags, or you have scares. One cancels the other out. Normally. But in Piranha 3D, French-born horror director Alexandre Aja has struck that magic balance between both. Cos for the most part, the film's a piece of laughable, sexist, boob-baring junk - and I mean that in the best way possible - yet the gory bits pack more punch than any amount of po-faced limb-chopping from the Saw series. The basic story - as if it matters - centres on Sheriff Julie Forester (Elizabeth Shue), a working mum who leaves her teenage son Jake (Steven McQueen) to babysit her two younger kids, while she patrols the Spring Break parties on nearby Lake Victoria. But Jake's distracted by porn king Derrick (Jerry O'Connell) and his two glamorous sidekicks, Danni (our own Kelly Brook) and Crystal (real-life 'erotic starlet' Riley Steele). Kelly plays a simpering, can't-act, cantaloupe-jugged dimwit. You'll be amazed by how convincing she is. After meeting Jake at the beach, Derrick convinces our young hero to help him find a quiet spot to shoot his new movie. Jake chooses a lake filled with prehistoric piranha, who've been freed by a recent earthquake. Of all the dumb luck! Derrick needs the lake for the centrepiece scene in Danni and Crystal's new X-rated vid. 'Underwater ballet,' is what the end credits generously call it. Although 'all-nude, sub-aquatic lez-out' might shift a few more DVDs, Del. Strangely, the piranha don't interfere with this bit. But it's not long before they're causing havoc at both the porn shoot and the Spring Break celebrations, requiring Sheriff Julie and her team to spring to the rescue. It's a jaw-dropping, sustained horror setpiece, crammed with plenty of horribly memorable deaths that I'm not going to give away here. But suffice it to say, you've not seen this many women in bikinis running around screaming since John Leslie last showed up at Typhoon Lagoon. It's been AGES since a horror film's come up with as much creative carnage as this. In the end, it almost starts to get a bit wearing. As do the 3D boobs, of which Piranha 3D shows you bloody hundreds. You know when someone keeps repeating the same word over and over again, it eventually loses all meaning? Piranha 3D does that, but with boobs. Boobs, a-bouncing to the left. Boobs, a-jiggling to the right. Boobs, rammed in your face. Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs. By the film's end, even the basic concept of boobs seems completely baffling. They're like wibbling flesh jellies with little pointy hats on top. What do they do? Why do they exist? Who knows? Or cares? On the down-side, Piranha 3D's been tweaked into 3D after filming, so the effect often looks horribly cheap. However, it's nowhere near as bothersome as it was in fellow conversion-jobs Clash Of The Titans and Alice In Wonderland, because 'horribly cheap' is what Piranha 3D is all about. There will also be some who complain that you only get about three minutes of naked Kelly Brook. To them, I say this. Who's ever needed more than three minutes of naked Kelly Brook? Piranha 3D is not for everyone. But if you're thinking about seeing a film called Piranha 3D, chances are you'll be delighted with it. Watch this sick filth now. " There was a very NSFW 9-minute clip of the movie floating around that I can't seem to find now, and it looked like it absolutely delivered. Ridiculous carnage, intestines, boobs, and Ving Rhames attacking fish with shotguns and boat motors. The guy who made this, from what I've seen, seems to GET IT. |
| ______________________________________ [Aug 19,2010 6:10pm - SkinSandwich ""] cantaloupe-jugged dimwit, haha. |
| ___________________________________________ [Aug 19,2010 6:46pm - FuckIsMySignature ""] "Piranha" was the worst movie ive ever seen. this looks awesome though even if its unintentionally funny |
| _____________________________________________ [Aug 19,2010 7:03pm - MarkFuckingRichards ""] Piranha was fucking awesome, because of how terrible it was. Fuck this remake, but I'm down with seeing some 3D tits. |
| _______________________________________ [Aug 19,2010 10:16pm - thirdknuckle ""] narkybark said:By the film's end, even the basic concept of boobs seems completely baffling. Sold. |
| ____________________________________ [Aug 20,2010 12:18pm - narkybark ""] This has 81% on rotten tomatoes. I want to believe. |
| ____________________________________________ [Aug 20,2010 1:02pm - Blessed offal nli ""] Someone come see step up 3D with me. |
| _____________________________________ [Aug 20,2010 1:09pm - The_Rooster ""] Elizabeth Shue. That is one sexy lady in uniform. |
| ___________________________________________ [Aug 20,2010 1:10pm - FuckIsMySignature ""] HOW DOES BOOBS WORK?! |
| ______________________________ [Aug 20,2010 3:28pm - Yeti ""] my friend at work thinks Pirahna is one of the greatest movies ever, and he's been dying to see this. i'll trust his opinion. |
| ____________________________________________ [Aug 20,2010 3:42pm - Blessed offal nli ""] This was a good Roger corman flick, but only humanoids from the deep is real. I'm definitely going to see this though, who from bostons going tonight? |
| _______________________________________ [Aug 20,2010 3:52pm - nekronautnli ""] Blessed%20offal%20nli said:This was a good Roger corman flick, but only humanoids from the deep is real. I'm definitely going to see this though, who from bostons going tonight? I was thinking about it. |
| ____________________________________________ [Aug 20,2010 4:28pm - Blessed offal nli ""] Do A phone call about it faggot• |
| ________________________________________ [Aug 20,2010 11:19pm - nekronautnli ""] Ross- sorry I just saw this, at the movie now Pretty good so far, Ghianna Michaels just got eaten alive while naked para-sailing, it ruled. |
| ____________________________________ [Aug 20,2010 11:49pm - narkybark ""] I'll prob go see this tomorrow, so I await your review! |
| ___________________________________________ [Aug 21,2010 11:31am - GregDbass (NLI) ""] Going to go next week and catch the matinee. |
| ______________________________________ [Aug 21,2010 11:35am - Randy_Marsh ""] nekronautnli said:Ross- sorry I just saw this, at the movie now Pretty good so far, Ghianna Michaels just got eaten alive while naked para-sailing, it ruled. is this a typo? or is the pornstar Gianna Michaels actually in this movie? |
| ____________________________________ [Aug 21,2010 11:42am - narkybark ""] i think she has a small part in it, yes, prob just long enough to get eaten |
| _________________________________________ [Aug 21,2010 12:27pm - DestroyYouAlot ""] [QUOTE="nekronautnli:1118203"Pretty good so far, Ghianna Michaels just got eaten alive while naked para-sailing, it ruled. This may be the best thing ever. Must see this. |
| ____________________________________ [Aug 21,2010 12:55pm - nekronaut ""] Definitely worth seeing in the theatre.. From the first scene (which was awesome and when you see it you will know why) to the last I can't say that I was ever bored or let down. Tons of cameos, I counted at least three porn stars, Richard Dreyfus, Eli Roth, Greg Nicotero, Christopher Lloyd, etc.. Sweet kills and awesome gore, tons of tits, naked bitches performing underwater ballet, jokes that actually work, ridiculous story and overall fun atmosphere make this movie something you need to see this summer. 3D isn't the greatest but it does make things a bit more fun, just don't sit too close to the screen- about half way up or further just so your eyes don't have to keep adjusting everytime there is something in 3D. I'm on my phone so I don't feel like typing more but hope this helps. Oh and unless you are a loser and don't have any friends don't go alone. On a scale from 1 to 10 this gets a 7 from me. |
| ____________________________________________ [Aug 21,2010 1:08pm - Blessed offal nli ""] Nobody pays me in gum. |