I am the laziest alcoholic ever[views:2859][posts:19]____________________________________ [Jan 16,2011 1:23am - Josh Cunt ""] So, my roommate bought a can of alcoholic whip cream the other day. 15% alcohol/30 proof. Not bad for whip cream, right? Anyways, I ran out of booze earlier. I find the can of alkie whip cream. I get out a cup to make a booze-cream and milk drink. I hold the can over the cup and depress the nozzle. So what happens???? THE FUCKING NOZZLE DOESNT WORK RIGHT AND INSTEAD OF ALCOHOLIC WHIP CREAM FILLING MY CUP ALL THE NITROUS JUST WOOOSHES OUT, LEAVING ME WITH NOTHING!!!!! Grrrrrr............ Undaunted, I continue. My genius idea is to get a knife and attempt to saw open the can of whip cream. Doesnt work. Even more Einstein-like, I get a bbq fork and start stabbing the bottom of the can. This actually produces results, leaving fork-prong sized holes throughout the bottom of the can. I shake the can over the cup and am rewarded with a smattering of booze-filled whip cream. My booze-addled brain decides that if a few fork-holes bring a little booze ,then many fork-holes will bring lots and lots of booze. I continue stabbing the bottom of the can. I stab the can harder and harder and eventually stab myself in the finger. The index finger on my left hand. My fret hand. Instead of thinking this may not be a good idea, I continue stabbing the bottom of the can. I stab myself in the same finger once again. This time it really really fucking hurts. Lots of blood is now flowing uncontrollably out of my finger. Before attending to my injured digit, I shake the fucking Hell out of the can and get every drop of booze out of it. I slam down the drink and make a tourniquet of paper towels and after several minutes, stop the bleeding. So, where does this all leave me? I have ten days til we record the bonus tracks for the vinyl version of the new album. My left index finger is swollen like an ethoipian's distended belly. I can play power chords and rudimentary solos (which normally would be just fine for an AC session but we're doing a Buckcherry cover this time) but anything involving complex fingering hurts like Hell. All because I was too lazy to walk the 3 blocks to the liquor store (which I had to do anyway once I killed the whip cream) I hate myself. |
| ___________________________________ [Jan 16,2011 1:33am - demondave ""] Buy in bulk. I mean even bigger bulk than the normal bulk you would buy. |
| ___________________________________ [Jan 16,2011 2:41am - nekronaut ""] Get off the internet and be a junkie about, douchelord. |
| ______________________________________ [Jan 16,2011 2:56am - the_reverend ""] That seems next to drinking scope. |
| _________________________________ [Jan 16,2011 3:05am - sxealex ""] PRO |
| ______________________________ [Jan 16,2011 3:15am - BSV ""] that stuff is like 10 or 15 bucks a bottle, i wouldn't waste it either! |
| ___________________________________________ [Jan 16,2011 5:42am - slar you morbid? ""] this thread reminds me of so many things, like the other night when i had a bottle of boozecream that had been whiphitted to death and i managed to suck it dry even without the nitrous (insert felatio joke here?) and the time when i drunkenly karate kicked a bathroom door and sprained my right foot (my blasting foot!) before i was supposed to start recording drum tracks for B.O. or all the coked out bowl scraping seshes that ended in broken resin stained glass slicing open my delicate musicians hands. lose is the new win. |
| _________________________________ [Jan 16,2011 5:44am - reimroc ""] i fell asleep last night at 7 and woke up at 4 am today. |
| ______________________________________ [Jan 16,2011 9:51am - the_reverend ""] and we are just hearing about this at 5:44am? WTF were you doing? |
| ____________________________________ [Jan 16,2011 11:08am - demondave ""] [img] |
| _______________________________________ [Jan 16,2011 11:13am - SkinSandwich ""] demondave said:[img] haha, bottom of the barrel right there. |
| _______________________________________ [Jan 16,2011 2:35pm - NuclearWinter ""] Is that bitch drinking Night Train? |
| _________________________________________ [Jan 16,2011 3:29pm - Lester__Burnham ""] should of just did a whip it |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 16,2011 3:35pm - sacreligion ""] I will see your hand-stabbing and raise you rear-ending a state trooper in a blizzard because I was under 21 and all my of-age friends were a half hour away. |
| ___________________________________ [Jan 16,2011 5:25pm - demondave ""] before or after visiting the of age friends? |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 17,2011 2:45pm - sacreligion ""] The other kid I was with and I split a 30 rack in about 90 minutes before making that brilliant decision. Blizzard + copious amounts of booze + being 18 + 1986 buick skylark + cop stopped in left lane of highway = fail. |
| ___________________________________ [Jan 17,2011 4:33pm - nekronaut ""] Also, thread title is more suiting for Upsidedown Ross. |
| _______________________________ [Jan 17,2011 4:58pm - aril ""] put this whole paragraph in the albums notes |
| ________________________________ [Jan 18,2011 12:30pm - haha ""] Man you are such a fucking retard |
| ______________________________ [Jan 19,2011 2:52am - BSV ""] spun my copy of Fuckin' A a few times today. CHEERS Josh. |